Cynicism Overload (why my wife hates watching the X-Factor with me)

After last week's righteous cynicism on the preening popinjays who run our country its now time to be cynical about something more frivolous. Yes X-Factor has returned and with it has my capacity to find different ways to get furious about the blatant manipulation of the audience. It's really not fair that my wife bears the full brunt of my cynicism as she tries to watch the programme. So I've decided to share my bile with yourselves. So here are my three favourite reasons to be cynical about this week's show.

3. George, The Reformed Character 

The most blatant pantomime villain ever foisted on reality TV. He came on telling us he was a reformed character and at this point I knew this was going one of two ways. He was either going to be good and we could all go aww, tough guys can change. Or as it happened he would turn out to be a crap singer and then act like a tool. 

In case you missed it, it was the latter. This gave Tulisa the chance to act self righteous   and a bit street and for Dermot to act like Mr. Darcy protecting the ladies' honour. I've no doubt George is a tool and that Dermot's outrage at the way he was talking about the women was genuine. What I also have no doubt about is that the producers knew exactly how he was going to act and maybe somebody mentioned what good TV it is when contestants kick off.

2. Gary is charismatic honest !

For all that Simon Cowell is a nobhead there is no denying he has a certain presence. But his skills in terms of what he brings to the music industry are essentially zero. He is an entertainment phenomena not a music one.

Gary Barlow has achieved more in the music industry than Simon Cowell could ever achieve. He has wrote songs that will genuinely outlive him and entertained millions. I like a lot of Take that songs myself. None of this makes Gary Barlow an interesting person to watch. He is a charisma vacuum and he did not say one thing that bordered on interesting in the entire show. 

He reminds me of the old days of football punditry where they would sometimes get brilliant ex footballers in who couldn't string a sentence together. I don't blame Gary for this he is the engine room of the band, the charisma rests in the songs he writes combined with a nostalgia that thirty and forty somethings have for their youth.

His lack of presence  was clearly apparent to the producers as well. Because we were treated to a couple of minute segway of Gary being 'mean' to contestants. To emphasise the point we 'overheard' a conversation between Kelly and Louis discussing how mean he was.

Please don't patronise us. Gary Barlow is a huge star. he's achieved a great deal in his life and he deserves a try at this but quit trying to tell us we should be entertained by him. He's dull.

1. The Irish Girl 

Don't know her name, sure I am going to learn it over the next few weeks in any case. Firstly Dermot finds her in the crowd. How did that happen i guess Dermot was just walking along saw here and thought to himself 'She looks shy I'll go give her a pep talk.' Remarkable insight of Dermot (who I do like but worry about the price of his soul in this nonsense) there.

Next we get a VT scene showing her playing the guitar in her bedroom. Now even the meanest rube knows that she is going through because why would the production company do that otherwise. 

She says she comes from a small town and nothing much happens there. Then she walks on stage perfecting her best Princess Di to Martin Bashir look. Remarkably Kelly picks up on how shy she is and tells her to relax blah, blah, blah. She tells them she is going to sing Your Song and from that point on I certainly know where this is going. Gary says 'wow' and just stops himself saying 'big song' because he doesn't want to blow all his cliches in one night.

Then she basically does a very competent karaoke version of Ellie Goulding's version of Your Song. And the judges fall over themselves to say how brilliant she is and I wonder, if I didn't know they were being deliberately dim, if anybody else has heard Ellie Goulding's version of this song. Louis chimes in with a five star Cliche and an old favourite of mine 'You don't know how good you are.' 

Then we have to wait while they vote. And even though we know she is going through because of the VT and the fact that the first three judges have said yes we still get a dramatic pause before Gary says yes.


Having said all this and moaned to high heaven I dare say I will keep watching. If my wife will let me. Maybe I'll come here every week and whine about a programme I loath but keep watching.

Finally it would be churlish of me not to mention two good things about the show. I like Kelly Rowland a lot. She is very charismatic also on the Extra Factor we have the marvellous Caroline Flack who makes me laugh a lot.