We're Number One !

It's a great time to be an English cricket fan. And speaking as hardy types who endured a time when it was considered a good idea to make Chris Cowdrey England captain (did that actually happen or have we invented it as an apocryphal story ?, no just checked Wikipedia it did happen.) I think we deserve to enjoy it.

I don't think its fanciful to compare them with the Aussie team of the 90s and early 2000s. In terms of batting if a couple of players fail somebody always comes good. And the bowlers are a proper unit who hunt in packs. But most of all they have that 'fuck you' bullying attitude that the Aussies had. So even if the opposition show some resistance they're patient then bang ! One out three out.

Cynicism Overload (why my wife hates watching the X-Factor with me)

After last week's righteous cynicism on the preening popinjays who run our country its now time to be cynical about something more frivolous. Yes X-Factor has returned and with it has my capacity to find different ways to get furious about the blatant manipulation of the audience. It's really not fair that my wife bears the full brunt of my cynicism as she tries to watch the programme. So I've decided to share my bile with yourselves. So here are my three favourite reasons to be cynical about this week's show.

3. George, The Reformed Character 

The most blatant pantomime villain ever foisted on reality TV. He came on telling us he was a reformed character and at this point I knew this was going one of two ways. He was either going to be good and we could all go aww, tough guys can change. Or as it happened he would turn out to be a crap singer and then act like a tool. 

In case you missed it, it was the latter. This gave Tulisa the chance to act self righteous   and a bit street and for Dermot to act like Mr. Darcy protecting the ladies' honour. I've no doubt George is a tool and that Dermot's outrage at the way he was talking about the women was genuine. What I also have no doubt about is that the producers knew exactly how he was going to act and maybe somebody mentioned what good TV it is when contestants kick off.

2. Gary is charismatic honest !

For all that Simon Cowell is a nobhead there is no denying he has a certain presence. But his skills in terms of what he brings to the music industry are essentially zero. He is an entertainment phenomena not a music one.

Gary Barlow has achieved more in the music industry than Simon Cowell could ever achieve. He has wrote songs that will genuinely outlive him and entertained millions. I like a lot of Take that songs myself. None of this makes Gary Barlow an interesting person to watch. He is a charisma vacuum and he did not say one thing that bordered on interesting in the entire show. 

He reminds me of the old days of football punditry where they would sometimes get brilliant ex footballers in who couldn't string a sentence together. I don't blame Gary for this he is the engine room of the band, the charisma rests in the songs he writes combined with a nostalgia that thirty and forty somethings have for their youth.

His lack of presence  was clearly apparent to the producers as well. Because we were treated to a couple of minute segway of Gary being 'mean' to contestants. To emphasise the point we 'overheard' a conversation between Kelly and Louis discussing how mean he was.

Please don't patronise us. Gary Barlow is a huge star. he's achieved a great deal in his life and he deserves a try at this but quit trying to tell us we should be entertained by him. He's dull.

1. The Irish Girl 

Don't know her name, sure I am going to learn it over the next few weeks in any case. Firstly Dermot finds her in the crowd. How did that happen i guess Dermot was just walking along saw here and thought to himself 'She looks shy I'll go give her a pep talk.' Remarkable insight of Dermot (who I do like but worry about the price of his soul in this nonsense) there.

Next we get a VT scene showing her playing the guitar in her bedroom. Now even the meanest rube knows that she is going through because why would the production company do that otherwise. 

She says she comes from a small town and nothing much happens there. Then she walks on stage perfecting her best Princess Di to Martin Bashir look. Remarkably Kelly picks up on how shy she is and tells her to relax blah, blah, blah. She tells them she is going to sing Your Song and from that point on I certainly know where this is going. Gary says 'wow' and just stops himself saying 'big song' because he doesn't want to blow all his cliches in one night.

Then she basically does a very competent karaoke version of Ellie Goulding's version of Your Song. And the judges fall over themselves to say how brilliant she is and I wonder, if I didn't know they were being deliberately dim, if anybody else has heard Ellie Goulding's version of this song. Louis chimes in with a five star Cliche and an old favourite of mine 'You don't know how good you are.' 

Then we have to wait while they vote. And even though we know she is going through because of the VT and the fact that the first three judges have said yes we still get a dramatic pause before Gary says yes.


Having said all this and moaned to high heaven I dare say I will keep watching. If my wife will let me. Maybe I'll come here every week and whine about a programme I loath but keep watching.

Finally it would be churlish of me not to mention two good things about the show. I like Kelly Rowland a lot. She is very charismatic also on the Extra Factor we have the marvellous Caroline Flack who makes me laugh a lot.

The Riots

I apologise for the rambling nature of this but it's just a number of the thoughts I've had over the last few turbulent days.

The first day when the riots were in London alone I barely noticed. London's a funny place and shit like that happens there. I paid slightly more notice than when it happens in Ulster because it does seem to be part of the culture of that region.

The second day was when it really hit home. This was the day when the country truly did seem to become a lawless, anarchist state. There was a lot of criticism of the Police. Which seemed unfair because it was obvious to anyone with sense and without an agenda that there was no way the police could cope with all the hotspots at once.

I was as furious as everybody else at what i was seeing. People who didn't give a hoot about the community in which they lived taking what they wanted and setting it alight. Particularly as they were attacking small businesses. Which showed the absurdity of those who were trying to claim it was a political riot up. This anger lasted through the night and most of the next day until I heard a woman on Fivelive her name is Camila_Batmanghelidjh. 

She gave a different point of view on the riots and what was happening. She made no effort to excuse the behaviour of the criminals involved the previous night. She just tried to offer an explanation that there is a generation of young men who simply have no hope. Their families who should be their safety net are often the people who put them in most danger and the services that are there are not interested. So you have people with no hope, no networks. And people without hope have nothing to lose and someone with nothing to lose is a dangerous thing.

This is when the rational side of my brain began to re-awaken. I was still angry about the lawlessness that I was seeing. But I also began to see that this anger was pointless if I didn't at least try to understand what was really happening. It goes without saying that she got a barrage of stick from the audience calling her a bleeding heart. I don't know what it is that stops people from understanding that looking for explanations as to what happens is not the same as offering excuses. Surely what separates us from animals is our ability to wonder. it's a bit of a shame if we don't use this capacity.

By this time the true villain of the piece had arrived back to save us all. Our prime minister. There has never been a more sickening sight than watching this jumped up gobshite puffing out his chest and letting us all know how bad he is and how he's gonna set things straight. He has gone out of his way to portray himself as the hero of the hour. Making outrageous claims about how he personally did this and ordered that. Sir Hugh Orde has made it clear that the politicians jetting in made not a jot of difference to the way Police organised their response.

So whose version should we believe ? Sir Hugh Orde. Former Chief Constable of the Northern Ireland Police force. A man who dealt with riots year in and year out for...well years. Or an empty shirt like Cameron...well quite. But worse was to come. Parliament was recalled so all the other strutting peacocks could puff out their chests and fight to be the most comically self righteous. It was a sickening display.

This whole spectacle was made all the worse by the utter spinelessness of Ed Milliband who just tried to out tough cameron. Sod actually saying 'maybe we should think why this is happening'. No if cameron wants to give them two years I think we should give them five years. I really cannot find the words to summon up my utter contempt for the Labour party. At least you know where you are with the Tories. They're eveil and they don't pretend to be anything else.

Today we have reached a new low. With the pathetic Eric Pickles telling us that yobs will be evicted from social housing. He just says they'll have to find private housing and telling them it's their fault. That might just avoid being brain numbingly stupid if you're evicting a single bloke. But in many cases you are going to evicting families. What happens to those children ? It strikes me if you don't want to raise another generation of angry young people making them homeless for the sins of their parents isn't a good starting place.

Now obviously I don't live on the kind of estate where such people live. So it could be argued I don't know what I am talking about. I admit this is a possibility. But the truth is these people will need to go somewhere. Its all very well saying they will have to get private housing but where is that going to be ? Clue it's not going to be in Eric pickles' neighborhood. Its going to be on exactly the same estates where they lost their tenancy. For all that such measures feel right they defy logic.

I feel at the end of this protracted monologue I should have answers. But I don't have any really. The truth is from my job i know there are some people who are beyond helping. All the input in the world will not help them get their life on track. But good services, designed by people who know the area they are working with, do help. They don't help everybody and they won't, in themselves, prevent a riot. What they do give is opportunities for the people who have aspirations within demonised communities.

Those services need to be supported. The government will say there is no money. Which is bullshit because they seem to be able to find money to prop up a broken fiscal system whenever it is needed. Just not the broken society Dave is so fond of talking of.

If you have the time I thoroughly recommend reading this and this they are brilliant

Citizen Kane

So it comes to me as it does all film fans my time write a review on Citizen Kane. I watched it again last night. With the added thrill of seeing it with someone who has never seen it before so did not know about the glorious pay off of the final scene.

Of course up until that point, at first viewing, it's not impossible to think 'well a good script, good acting and the use of light is good, but the best film ever ? Really ?' Once you have seen it once and you realise what the film is about it really is the gift that keeps on giving. It's a film that deserves many repeated viewings. Last night was about the seventh time I have seen it and I noticed a few things last night that I had not noticed before. Little nuances in conversation that had escaped me the first few times.

Is it the best film ever ? Its difficult to argue that looked on from a historical perspective it changed cinema in a way few other films ever have since. Much as I love the technical innovations (do you know it was about the first film that featured rooms where you could see the ceiling) that came from Kane my true love of the film comes from the three things Hitchcock said you needed to make a great film. A good script, a good script and a good script. The acting is also marvellous from the youthful Orson Welles to the wonderfully aged Joseph Cotton.

Be nice to yourself and see it.